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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

roads tunnels bridges doors windows walls

again, i find meslf at a crossroads. by tomorrow, it will be 23 days until i leave my current company, and move on to another. another transitory moment.

sometimes it feels like i've already had my share of these moments, however, whenever they come, they seem to pack the same sharp blade to pierce me straight in the pumper.

unbearable sting of ends i'm not entirely sure why, but i feel a certain stress -- like something is bending me the wrong way. actually a part of this has been sleeping in me for quite a while . . . i think eversince i watched 'eight below' with my friends. so far, i have been trying to make sense of it all, and i feel these are the causes . . .


1. guilt of leaving my first company.
the feeling is like having to move out of a good neighborhood. i feel like it's a really good company, when you think about it, but its just not compatible with my lifestyle and the circumstances . . .
for one thing, i have learned a lot in the company, and for a while i really enjoyed working with the people there, as i still do. however, it has also been a blow to me when people i look up to end up taking unnecessary blows. this is the same feeling i got when i entered azeus and some of the people i look up to didn't. i guess its hyp[ocrisy on my part to tell people that they should show more confidence when in reality, i've always seen myself as inferior to others . . .

2. a sense of fear of change.
i've always been afraid of change, at least of changes in the environment. and few things say this more that a change in a facet of my life that covers 1/3 of my day (or in my current situation, damn near half). i fear the changes in the people. meeting new people, reuniting with old. the fear of the distance with the old folks have tranformed us both to the point of alienation.

3. work related stress.
i have one basic drive to work, and to come close to my limits: people. one of my biggest motivations is the presence, recognition, or support from the people i respect. right now, it almost boils down to one person. my team leader.
i have great respect for my team leader, and i have made it my quest to ensure that i don't leave her problems in my wake. and that has kept me on my toes . . . although i may be pushing myself too thin -- and making more problems than solutions . . .

4. good ole' guilt
i have been brewing this for quite a while, and i feel the need to face it like a man. i feel one of my best friends has been mad at me, and i have been too much of an idiot to realize.
for me, i guess it began with the movie 'eight below' . . . our small group met (after quite a while) to watch the movie. i saw her in a bad mood, but attributed it to work stress . . . i have been advising her to keep cool, and moderate her work habits, but i guess i have been, yet again, a hypocrite, seeing as i have also let my job take hold of me -- it has kept too busy even to check up on old friends (i have always have had that thirst to check up on friends i care about). eversince then, i have felt that she has kept aloof, sometimes i even feel like i'm being avoided. however, i felt like it would be arrogant of me to show that kind of distrust. again, i felt like that was only work-stress . . . a concept i am quickly learning -- the hard way . . .
however, it seems what i dread is true . . . i must have done something wrong to her, and i have been too stupid? too proud? to preoccupied to notice, or acknowledge . . .

the best thing i could come up with is that i have made her feel used . . . (this much i'm sure: she hates to be used) . . . now i am very deeply concerned . . .

and as dirty as it makes me feel . . . i have contemplated hurting myself because of this guilt . . .

i hate my weakness . . .








for anything this is worth,
until i can find the strength, and the words to express this
i am sorry.


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Friday, September 23, 2005

back

at last! some time alone with my arjuna XD
a lot of things have happened, but don't a lot always happen?

job's job i'm still employed, thank god. however, being a resident of the "perfect world" forced into the "real world" really has its setbacks. for one, i'm really starting to get uncomfortable with workmates who either take work too lightly or too seriously. now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that either way won't work too hot for the company.

a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy. but hell, it's ignorant to scrap work for fun altogether. considering how much the company pays us like 700 a day, it's at least an imperative that we take our job seriously. but even so, there's so much more reason to take the job seriously, more than money. now, i'd understand the fact that after a while, the job really loses its glitter, especially when things start getting routine, but damn! there's still that line where you become a liability, and you better be damn sure you dont cross it so early in the game . . .

anal then again, there is that other line where you just become plain stuck up. work is not school, plain and simple. people don't grade you that way anymore. it's about delivering good stuff on time, and most of the time that means one thing: compromise. now, it's one thing to be right, and another thing to be anal about it. there are people who stick to the letter of the rule so bad that the spirit actually dies in the process. besides, it's just plain ignorant to think that you actually have to do everything by yourself, refusing help from people willing to lend a hand.

the tao in line with this, these are some things i'd like to share, to help you on days you feel like hanging yourself over your job ^^

  • learn to like what you do. or at least the people you do it with

    • this doesn't mean that you have to force yourself to like it; rather, this means see something in what you do that will make it worthwhile. after all, it is still all about how you feel at the end of the day.

  • see the big picture

    • this may sound a little arrogant, but that company you're working for is YOUR company. a sense of ownership of the company will help in seeing the big picture, and knowing your significance to the company that helps in motivating you to do what you have to do.

  • take time to be right

    • when you feel the urge to slack off during work, try to think about what you have to do if you didn't do it right; that'll straighten you =P. but seriously, doing things right the first time around really helps. not only will it ease the burden later on, but having faster output also aids in diversifying your job (read : less boring).

    maybe i'll add to the list later on . . . sorta lost my track there XD


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    Monday, August 29, 2005

    guess who's back?! back again?

    yes!!! i have a new pc at long last! actually, arjuna (how i decided to rename nirvana) is already *counts* 2 weeks old. but about a week after i got her my monitor went kaput, so here i am, finally marvelling at the glory of my brand spanking new, albeit incomplete, pc XD

    camp caprice you know when you really want something, as in really, really want something, and when you finally get it, it suddenly leaves you dumbstruck, almost like it didn't live up to the hype? well, something like that of sorts is happening right now, being faced with the blog it took me so long to see again, and gave me such a feeling of longing. i find it funny how the loss of nirvana has given me so much time to think about so many things, and now, given the opportunity to let it all out, i suddenly lose it. and even more hilarious is how i end up in that same position time and time again . . . after all, opportunity does knock but once, but it does pass by your door everyday . . .


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    Saturday, August 20, 2005

    02 slow, 02 futile

    well, here's my new pc~!
    quite a lot of things have happened, so much that i've lost track . . .

    for one, i've started in my job. it was an amazing experience, the training; however, due to the fact that i am sworn to secrecy and all that, i think it may be wise to stay away from the technical side of the subject XD

    just this aternoon, i got my yearbook . . . and it was one of the most agonizing experiences of my life . . . never mind the weights i had to lift. that was my own decision XD but by a terrible twist of circumstance, i saw something quite bewildering . . .

    which reminds me of the stand-up comedy i was listening to in the office: rex navarette. there was a line there that says:

    "then when you pluck up the courage to say, 'i like you', the woman suddenly hits you with that one filipino word that means 'i like you but only as a friend'. c'mon filipino guys, you know this one, let's proclaim it!"

    "kuya"

    <<roars of laughter>>

    <<ouch>>


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    Sunday, August 07, 2005

    nothing much

    been a LONG time since i posted. funny tough, coz the lack of pc has given me more time to reflect on things, especially now that i have a job =))

    but i can't delve into that now, seeing that i have very limited time on my sister's laptop . . :D i have something more short-term in mind . . .

    i just watched "wedding crashers." rachel mcadams has a familiarly enchanting smile . . .

    i dunno why of all the things, i wrote that XD just did. :))

    anywho, i'm hoping to get a new pc next week, and i plan to name her nirvana arjuna XD


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    Thursday, April 28, 2005

    cest la vie

    yesterday, i was scheduled for testing and interview for smart telecom, but after twenty minutes of interview, they just sent me home (note : without the exam) T_T let's see the seismic moments that led to yesterday:

    3 birds with one stone well, to begin with, maybe i should've heeded the bad omen. before i left home, i ran into a messenger from globe, i immidiately thought that it was my sister's phone bill. but after i recieved it, i notice that it was addressed to me. i hurriedly opened it (2 hours before smart interview). lo and behold, i was rejected. but this wasn't actually much of a surprise since i really screwed that exam as well.

    flashback:
    during that globe exam, i was surprised that my name wasn't on the list of exam takers, since i was called to attend ^^; but actually i didn't mind. but i didn't realize that there were 2 sets of exams that were given, and we were timed differently. the exam wasn't difficult, however, i was screwed when i heard the examiner say that we should proceed tot he next exam. big deal i thought, it's prolly time pressured. however i after a while, she comes up front and tells us that we should proceed to the next exam. she sees me halfway throught he next exam T_T ouch

    so, continuing on yesterday's day, i commuted to makati, and i started to search for the smart tower. (time check: 45 mins til 2) under the midday sun. so i wear my hat (so my hair wont stink from the heat) and proceed to walk, often staring up to see whether i'm anywhere near my destination. before going down one underpass, i see my destination. but somehow i screwed up. apparently, i walked around the building, instead of going straight. i entered from the backdoor of the building, and i totally forgot to fix myself. so once i reach the 18th floor, i went looking for the cr. and i find myself lost in front of the girls cr ^^; good thing someone told me where to go XD my hair was standing up like i just woke up, and i can't make it fall. when my name was called, i went to the interviewer, and i was determined to make a good impression. but then she asked me whether i have a resume, and i seemed to have forgotten mine, so she just gave me an app form. but while i was answering, i realize i did bring one. so i submit it to her, and she looks at me and says, "i thought you said you didn't bring any?" ~_~; now, i didn't bring a photocopy of my transcript. so had to use their photocopierT_T in the middle of the interview, i suddenly burped. but not because i was full, but because i haven't had breakfast nor lunch T_T my stomach was filled with nothing but air. i really looked like a bum. and finally, she focused on my failure subject T_T i'm so screwed. so she told me to wait for my call in 2 weeksm, and i knew i'm screwed.

    to top it off, when i came home, i stumbled on my email, with a "sorry, many people are applying for your position, so we're looking into them first" mail form hp T__T

    however, there was a redeeming factor. i asked gerry bully to a megamall tripping trip after work. when he agreed, i came back (i was halfway home) and bought a cd cleaner on the way. (the cd cleaner was funny, no english instructions) that hit the spot ^^ and shelly belly's email also made my day XD it's nice she's gaining some self esteem, she's beginning to understand that she's special :P


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    Monday, April 25, 2005

    like, forever~!

    we created a video postcard for jacey, to be sent through kaila :D
    also made some stuff to keep kai company on her vacation (extended or otherwise) in the united states of whatever :D

    prolly i'm surprised shelly allowed me to be the camera man :D we filmed a guided tour of the admu, i dropped some hints to make her think the wrong stuff ;) etc i like these moments, when i get to share my time with friends (i think i have a lot of them, and i'm happy). i hope this will be worth it when the day comes . . .

    and it becomes routine a friend's getting the job jitters. she ain't the competitive type, so she's having some troubles with the corporate world. quite frankly, i ain't that into corporate competition as well, inasmuch as i enjoy some friendly rivalry >.< i haven't really had the expreience so i can't really think of ways to make her see that there's a brighter side; coz frankly i have no idea what it is (i feel like a math major. i just know that it exists :P)

    oops gtg for a moment. i'll continue this later hopefully ^^


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