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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

roads tunnels bridges doors windows walls

again, i find meslf at a crossroads. by tomorrow, it will be 23 days until i leave my current company, and move on to another. another transitory moment.

sometimes it feels like i've already had my share of these moments, however, whenever they come, they seem to pack the same sharp blade to pierce me straight in the pumper.

unbearable sting of ends i'm not entirely sure why, but i feel a certain stress -- like something is bending me the wrong way. actually a part of this has been sleeping in me for quite a while . . . i think eversince i watched 'eight below' with my friends. so far, i have been trying to make sense of it all, and i feel these are the causes . . .


1. guilt of leaving my first company.
the feeling is like having to move out of a good neighborhood. i feel like it's a really good company, when you think about it, but its just not compatible with my lifestyle and the circumstances . . .
for one thing, i have learned a lot in the company, and for a while i really enjoyed working with the people there, as i still do. however, it has also been a blow to me when people i look up to end up taking unnecessary blows. this is the same feeling i got when i entered azeus and some of the people i look up to didn't. i guess its hyp[ocrisy on my part to tell people that they should show more confidence when in reality, i've always seen myself as inferior to others . . .

2. a sense of fear of change.
i've always been afraid of change, at least of changes in the environment. and few things say this more that a change in a facet of my life that covers 1/3 of my day (or in my current situation, damn near half). i fear the changes in the people. meeting new people, reuniting with old. the fear of the distance with the old folks have tranformed us both to the point of alienation.

3. work related stress.
i have one basic drive to work, and to come close to my limits: people. one of my biggest motivations is the presence, recognition, or support from the people i respect. right now, it almost boils down to one person. my team leader.
i have great respect for my team leader, and i have made it my quest to ensure that i don't leave her problems in my wake. and that has kept me on my toes . . . although i may be pushing myself too thin -- and making more problems than solutions . . .

4. good ole' guilt
i have been brewing this for quite a while, and i feel the need to face it like a man. i feel one of my best friends has been mad at me, and i have been too much of an idiot to realize.
for me, i guess it began with the movie 'eight below' . . . our small group met (after quite a while) to watch the movie. i saw her in a bad mood, but attributed it to work stress . . . i have been advising her to keep cool, and moderate her work habits, but i guess i have been, yet again, a hypocrite, seeing as i have also let my job take hold of me -- it has kept too busy even to check up on old friends (i have always have had that thirst to check up on friends i care about). eversince then, i have felt that she has kept aloof, sometimes i even feel like i'm being avoided. however, i felt like it would be arrogant of me to show that kind of distrust. again, i felt like that was only work-stress . . . a concept i am quickly learning -- the hard way . . .
however, it seems what i dread is true . . . i must have done something wrong to her, and i have been too stupid? too proud? to preoccupied to notice, or acknowledge . . .

the best thing i could come up with is that i have made her feel used . . . (this much i'm sure: she hates to be used) . . . now i am very deeply concerned . . .

and as dirty as it makes me feel . . . i have contemplated hurting myself because of this guilt . . .

i hate my weakness . . .








for anything this is worth,
until i can find the strength, and the words to express this
i am sorry.


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