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the friggin' key |
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i'm playing final fantasy 8 again, to ease my aching body and mind. which, in turn inspired me for my senior's page design. :P anywho, that's all, for now. there's a big problem at home that just got resolved, and i need some rest . . . musing of aeyan on Saturday, July 31, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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raining cats and dogs |
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okay, basically, friday sucked to high heavens because it rained like hell was freezing over. never have i seen so many people 'migrate' in one direction whilst all cars are left stranded on the road. really, it seems like a scene you might expect to find only in movies. but, it seems that the heavy rain (from hell) also brought with it other heavy stuff (from hell): drenched body, drowning soul there were so many things that happened this week, and it has really taken its toll on my body. it seems no matter how hard i try, i really can't figure things out until the last minute, thus giving all my work a 'crammed' (or even 'cheated') feel to it -- something i vowed never to do again. so far, i really hate this feeling. but it seems that it wasn't just me, there are others who are dealing with matters which concern arguably deeper things than academics: love. i think i just stopped somebody from taking a chance that she may have taken . . . something which i didn't have the guts to do . . . to tell someone my feelings. did i just ruin everything? this has led me to realize that i never really did tell her what i felt . . . not that i didn't get the chance, but more of because i was afraid of rejection. earlier today, on the way back from mtq (more on that later), a friend of mine told me that it's a good thing if she knows, because she tends to treat the person better, rather that impose rejection. but the fact is, i never told her . . . she may have known from other ways (i wsan't that discreet, or rather i can't + she's no idiot) but i never told her . . . maybe i should've? but now i can't. i never got the chance to get to know her better, and maybe, just maybe, i may have had the chance . . . or maybe i'm just dreaming still . . . mtq i missed this~! i miss teaching. i miss the kids, i miss the people. but i'm afraid that unless we do something big soon, this may die out. i hope not . . . school i feel like an idiot. i think i may have been too proud to leave, may be i should've left. but a part of me knows i'm here for the right reasons; that i should stay . . . [EDIT] i'm not sure why that post above published, but i don't remember posting that . . . i remember deleting that part before posting (notice that it's short and rather incomplete). it seemed inapporpriate because other than stress -- and the 'crammed' feeling in my work, there seems to be no other problem in school. oh well, i guess i slipped ^_^' musing of aeyan on Sunday, July 25, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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Y_Y |
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WARNING: emo post ahead . . . me and my big mouth there are some days when i find myself uncontrollable, reckless, and downright tactless. those are the days that end up with regret . . . today is just one of those days . . . it all started with an energetic morning. over energetic, if you asked me. anywho, these are the days when my energy gets the best of me, and i end up targeting some poor, unfortunate soul relentlessly. today, it just happened to be dragonspirit. now, needless to say, i went overboard (again, and again, and again, and again . . . seriously, i could've beaten the energizer bunny to a pulp easy). now, as expected, my conscience is killing me again . . . gyah! the secret origins of big-mouth i'm not quite sure why i have this kind of personality. and quite frankly, i hate myself, more often than not, for being this overly happy at times. i guess sometimes this is how my canned emotions act up. i've always allowed others to walk over me, in fact, most times, i like it. i guess it gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling that, hey, i'm doing good! but there are times that i really feel the injustice when i allow myself to be the object of ridicule for prolonged periods of time . . . now, for most part, it's ok for me to get laughed at, hell, i love to laugh at myself! it really helps with my outlook of life to take myself a little more lightly. but sometimes, when others best me after i've helped them, when they leave me behind, when the forget me altogether, that's when i feel helpless and dishonored . . . and stupid. when people humiliate me in a public that i'm not even comfortable with, all because "i'm the only one with the guts to do it" or "i'm already humiliated anyway", that really pisses me off. i admit i'm a pushover to people i trust, but that's exactly it: with that comes an implicit act of trust. i'm taking a bullet for you because i trust that there is a reason that i'm taking it. i don't give a damn whether you take a bullet for me too, i don't ask that much. (in fact, i hate asking for help) but please, at least give me a friggin' reason to take that chance! when people ask me to ask embarassing questions to a total stranger in public, i do it as long as it's really needed. when they start thinking i'm willing to do it for no reason, they're friggin' wrong. i don't mind being laughed at, as long as it's among friends, but please, i trust i don't have to humiliate myself in public for no reason . . . . . . . . . . . . sorry, got a little carried away there . . . . . . . . . i guess that's the type of emotions that surge out when i'm feeling crazy. it just so happens that i got so used to being happy that i am able to, albeit unconsciously, express it in a lighter way (at least in my point of view). instead of being an asshole by expressing anger, i just go crazy and become more talkative than usual, sometimes at the expense of others. i really need to watch myself out more. oh, and for the record, though it really doesn't look like it, i really am sorry, dragonspirit . . . (Y_Y) musing of aeyan on Tuesday, July 20, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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well, here goes nothing! |
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i'm currently typing the introduction part of out thesis and "taking a break" and about this time, i am suddenly struck by what i call the "blog impulse" (try to imagine me doing the "quote" motion when you read those "quotes") not enough energy this week has been quite tiring for me, with long tests, quizzes, and lectures from hell (darn you, ursula!!!). but then i guess it's what being a super senior is all about -- getting your ass kicked by eccentric teachers, uneasy classmates, and overparanoid family. heheh, oh well, guess i'm still fortunate i still have them to rant about . . . ^_^ but the thing that really got to my nerves this week is my lack of energy, or discipline. i find myself unable to wake up on my own, unable to stay awake, and unable to focus on the job at hand . . . and to think i am even considering about accepting a tutorial job from the oaa, just because i want the Php 3k a month pay, knowing i'd probably kill myself if my student fails to understand what little i know. (this is probably the first time i'm doubting my passion to teach) mtq: reaching new heights our mtq area is about to be "promoted" to an immersion site for those unfortunate enough to be unable to go to the "conventional" immersion sites. because i know how much it sucks to have a simple outreach-type immersion, i really feel that i should do everything in my power to let them experience the best immersion they can possibly get from this . . . who am i? i need help! please submit whatever you can say about me, and i'll do my best to put it in my writeup . . . still have no idea whatsoever to what i will write . . . ^_^ musing of aeyan on Sunday, July 18, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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su~gar~high~ghgh |
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this is the closest to the breaking point i have ever ventured, physically, and mentally. i have stayed awake for over 48 hours without so much as a wink of sleep. the first night i was stressed mentally (9 programs in a freakin' night!) the next was spent in an overnight to celebrate both a friends birthday (happy birthday, igel_x~!) which really worn me out because we played basketball for over three hours (it was a BLAST!!!) (@_@) i snuck a couple of glasses of nescafe ice =P my day is complete! basketball blues i admit. i play really bad ball. however, i found the highlight of the game was the dive i made. the ball was loose, and it was rolling upcourt, nearing a backcourt violation. without thinking i dove towards the ball, caught it, and thought that it was over and done for. i suddenly thought (as if everything went on in slo-mo), "wait, the ball is still alive! i have to pass it quick! " i proceeded to toss the ball overhead just before i ate cement. i quickly rolled over, about to laugh at what i thought was a funny sight, when i saw one of the most uplifting things i saw. the ball was alive! it's freakin' alive! i made a freaking diving save!!!!1 heheh. [^o^]v last but not least happy birthday, mom :P musing of aeyan on Monday, July 12, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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@_@ |
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wah~ i'm quite in the brink of physical deterioration . . . why, you ask? because i'm being cut off my supply of nescafé ice~! i need my ice~! okay, i know that sounded very pathetic, but with a load like mine, i need some kind of substitute . . . and fast!!!!1 oh well =P musing of aeyan on Friday, July 09, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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a little light headed update |
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i'm at the RSF today, 'coz i missed my class. i woke up a little late (i tried to sleep darn early last night. i guess my internal clock has gone haywire). anywho, since i'm here, might as well post something ^^, the void finally, i wake up in the morning, and i find myself over (well, mostly) the guilt that has gripped me over the past month and a half. i guess it was the spiderman trip that really gave the opening for me to relax and realize that everything that happened might as well be for the best. she's happy with the life she's leading now, and i found myself with a greater sense of responsibility and humility because of what happened. in the end, i think everything has been a blessing in disguise. however, i guess there are still times when i'm trying to fill the void that was left behind, at least some of it. i find myself taking over the position of web designer for the placement office, for one. and not ot mention my hell-bent desire to learn about web design in the first place (i thought that would've been obvious by now =P) alone after a little reflection (so you may find this a little half-raw) i realize how dependent i've bocome to the company of others. i remember a time when i felt bliss in my solitude, mainly because it gave me time to think and reflect on the things that happen to me day by day. it gave me time to search for the words to give my thoughts shape and form. it allowed me to keep in touch with my other, (and i don't like to admit it) more poetic self. i think maybe i should find a little more time away from the hubbub of everyday life, but then again, it is difficult to escape reality when it relentlessly snares your ankle and keeps you from leaving. i guess there is no rest for the wicked, after all. super senior blues for many of us, 5th year marks a transition. it's like being a freshie again, meeting new friends, and catching up with old. however, for me, there is something dreadful about reaching this stage. this is the stage when almost everyday, i find myself seeking for the courage to remain calm when i know that that sense of unease will never go away. when no amount of apologies will grant me freedom from my mistake. when a lost friendship will remain lost forever. when all i could do is stand there and be as helpless as i could possibly be, knowing that i can do absolutely nothing to prove how sincere my apologies were; and to drown in thoughts of hopelessness. just kill me now and get it over with darn. what started out as a (supposedly) happy update turned out moody, as always. i really should start liking chocolate . . . ^^, musing of aeyan on Thursday, July 08, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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standing at the event horizon |
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here i am, in a few minutes, i should start studying for my upcoming long test . . . but before anything else, i feel i should share some stuff: happiness it would seem that 'tis the season for hanyan moments in the regcom room. i could safely say that most everyone has a story about some secret (and some not-so-secret) admiration they have for some other volunteer. i find it mildly amusing and a little uplifting to hear some of their stories and see their behaviors as they try to hide their bliss when they lightly brush arms, or share a frew laughs, or just plain see their crushes. kinda reminds me of, well, me ^_^ . . . oh that feeling is intoxicating, but i hope they don't get too carried away . . . breaking point i've always pictured myself weak for not being able to work my body to the limit. i always find myself going to sleep/doting around, when i may have exerted a little more effort . . . i still find myself in that situation. either i try to take on too may things that i lose focus on what i should be doing, or i let too much self-pity get to me that i keep myself from reaching my potential . . . more to come soon . . . gotta start exerting myself =P musing of aeyan on Tuesday, July 06, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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if you smeeeel~ what the rock is cooking . . . again?! |
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hey, lookie here, new layout~! funny thing is, i finished it during the precipice, the event horizon, of my first hell week~! anywho, so far, the "downloadables" section still isn't up, so don't even try :P otherwise, everything seems to be in good working condition . . . yeah, i know, this site isn't really that great, but i have made a huge deal of effort to creating this site. hell, i even took the time to add some subtle features . . . so be warned: i don't go lightly with flames . . . now put that in your pipe and smoke it! btw, try searching for "chichiri_cd" on google, and hitting "i'm feeling lucky" / "maganda ang kutob ko" cool, ne? [^_^] musing of aeyan on Sunday, July 04, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
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y!m : chichiri_cd aim : chichiri cd msn : chichiri_cd@hotmail.com |