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. . . life is . . . |
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am blogging from school today, which is sorta different from usual . . . but then again today is different than usual . . . death plucks my ear and says, "live, i am coming!" a friend of mine just lost something awfully dear . . . . . . her mother . . . devastating it is, especially considering her . . . she's a very cheerful person . . . often keeping strog emotions inside . . . . . . of course, i cannot even begin to imagine the torrents of emotions that surge through her being now . . . and i don't even know how to let her know that everything's gonna be ok . . . . . . you just never know what you have they're gone . . . . . . again words fail me . . . but hopefully actions won't † bil . . . your will be done musing of aeyan on Friday, April 30, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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old friends, new lives |
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and still things never stop changing . . . departure a friend of mine is going abroad . . . maybe even for good . . . and now i get that darn emotion again . . . the one that makes me feel all depressed about not making the most out of the time i've spent with her . . . never really spent much bonding time with her, but i feel quite fond of her . . . there are times that she feels so much like my elder sister . . . and times when she feels like a younger sister . . . and times when she feels like a real good friend . . . plumcouch483, keep in touch~! be good, be safe, be brave . . . greetings from far away an old friend of mine (he's in canada right now) sent me an email just a while ago . . . in fact i just finished writing my reply . . . it feels great to recieve messages from far-away friends . . . heartwarming to be remembered, despite the distance . . . it feels reassuring to know that, somehow, no matter what happens, i will never really be parting with my friends . . . that there will never really be a "good bye" . . . and someday . . . . . . i will meet them all again . . . . . . and despite everything . . . . . . everything will be okay . . . . . . someday . . . musing of aeyan on Thursday, April 22, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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the best things in life . . . |
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. . . are gone . . . well, not really. but thing is, i feel now. more than ever, so many things are changing, so darn fast. hugs and kisses many people around me have, in the course of four years in college, found someone that they like enough to commit themselves, to the extent that they can, together . . . they found along the way a lot of bumps and obstacles, some found the strength to go over them . . . some, sadly had to part ways . . . others, still, found other people with whom they chose to overcome the obstacles with . . . and there have been many divisions among my friends . . . and, admittedly, as much as i don't want to, i am forced to take sides . . . though i really don't quite understand the need for such rush of bad emotions . . . i don't understand how people just find it easy to be so outright honest . . . i am confused whether i am too much of a spineless excuse for a man or are the people who have been blunt with me just as confused as i am . . . so far, i have tried being assertive of myself and it hasn't really been going that well for me . . . i think i have been going about it all wrong . . . they said i should be clearer with my stand . . . but i ended up being a jerk who utterly disregarded other's feelings . . . for me, i find that, right now, all i have to do is stop being too harsh to myself, but remain basically the same i understand what they want me to do . . . but now i see more clearly that they too are still ini search of who they are . . . much like i am . . . so they just had teh tendency to go a little overboard with advice but they meant well . . . however, the fact that the ostracism has become so apparent is something that can't be overlooked . . . in many ways, what they (the ostracized) did was wrong . . . but i have the urge to reconcile with them . . . many pray for their demise (well, not really, but you know what i mean) but in some ways, i feel envious of the strength they have mustered through all this and now, it seems, they are really starting to grow more as persons . . . much more than me, and some people i know . . . or maybe i'm still just living in my perfect world . . . . . . maybe or maybe not . . . musing of aeyan on Wednesday, April 21, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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hot and cold |
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heya~ am rested and recovered from the shock of suddenly yanking my body clock to wake up at darn 4 in the morning (believe it or not, i need 2 hours just to wake up) update-o-rama is coming up next . . . and it's a darn long one too, so get ready . . . first impressions last . . . that is, until they change . . . this fateful realization came about while having dinner with choco_goddess though, as she said, it wasn't quite dinner . . . just some fries and a lousy coke float (aside, why do they put ice and hot fudge on those darn things anyway?!) anywho, thorugh the conversation, the topic somehow jumped to first impressions, and i realized how much my perception of many people have changed . . . for example, i remember how i was afraid of choco_goddess before, but once i got to know her more, i realized she was a really likable person . . . and other names come to mind . . . and all of them (well most) changed for the better and i, for one, am glad it got better . . . memorabilia after chatting with a good friend, i got to learn another thing about myself, yet again . . . seems i got a little too depressed about how pathetically lonely i am . . . but then, a friend cheered me up, and at the same time shed some light on a side of my own personality that i couldn't understand until then . . . i always try to treat everybody special to me in a special way . . . just because they're them . . . i want to show them everyday that they're special to me . . . and i try to do it for nothing, with a smile in my face and a song in my heart . . . but in a way, from time to time, i want to feel the as special to someone as they're special to me . . . i had this recurring impression that i never really got someone who'll stop and think about me . . . much like i stop and think about the people special to me . . . i thought nobedy ever took me seriously, because i always act goofy . . . with that goofy smile . . . even when i see them gloomy, i try to lift their spirits with my stupid comments . . . and i end up making things worse . . . and i even think that i have the reputation about being so carefree . . . no problems . . . no worries . . . but then she made me realize how wrong i am with a simple line (the boldfaced line): chichiri_cd: nga e . . . am trying to work on that . . . making some progress naman . . . though tuwing iniisip ko talaga na walang nagrereciprocate ng mga munting bagay na ginagawa ko . . . minsan lang talaga nakakadown isipin na baka walang tao na nagiisip sakin in the way i think about them ,. . . **-**: well..isa lang ang masasabi ko diyan. **-**: God will bless us with the person we will surely be happiest with. It may not be now, pero, bakit tayo magmamadali diba? you're only 19 chichiri_cd: and i don't try to please people (at least not anymore . . . ) just so happens that there are a lot of special people in my life that reflect a certain side of me . . . and for them, i try to give them the special-ness that i find fitting for them . . . **-**: dyan naman ako hanga sayo.:) it's the side of you that endears you to us.:) okay, don't cry na ha... chichiri_cd: i'm wishing i could . . . but for some reason, i can't . . . **-**: hay nku mr. low self confidence, tama na nga ang inferiority complex. Enjoy the good things you do for people and enjoy the happiness they feel and reciprocate with you. Huwag na mag-isip na you're not worthy diddly ekek. If in the first place people find you unworthy, they wouldn't hang out with you nor remember to give you christmas gifts nor remember to ask for you for advise nor remember your birthday...dami ko pa sasabihin pero sakit na ng kamay ko. chichiri_cd: heheh :P **-**: i'm not making light of how you feel pero, minsan super over na ang low self esteem mo no. You are a very beautiful person inside and out. You should be proud of yourself.") chichiri_cd: maraming salamat . . . heheh chichiri_cd: minsan lang naman talaga ako magkaganito e . . . **-**: try repeating that to yourself at least 3x a day. chichiri_cd: buti na lang may nakakasalo pa sakin sa ganitong lagay . . . :P chichiri_cd: that really helped . . . **-**: I'm a wonderfully nice person! **-**: ulitin mo yan ha..baka sakaling maangat-angat self-esteem mo.. chichiri_cd: mas prone lang ako to dperession kapag masyado ako matagal na walang ginagawa :)) **-**: aba ako yan ang therapy ko!! **-**: "**-** is gorgeous, sexy, and an angel!" **-**: bwheheheheheh **-**: malas ng mga di nakakakilala sa akin no..heheh..yabang na ata yun...ngek **-**: sana mahawa ka ng konti chichiri_cd: i guess unconsiously, yan yung reason kung bakit lagi kong dala yung mga stuff na ni-reregalo sakin . . . yung mga tags ng regalo, mga gift wrappers, mga grad pix, mga christmas cards . . . :)) lice and learn :P (aside: that "lice and learn" part was kinda funny) so now i look at my knick-knacks in a new light . . . and everything won't be the same again . . . to you (you know who you are) thank you . . . if you only knew how much i owe you for that . . . musing of aeyan on Wednesday, April 07, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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from gust to gale |
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last time i blogged (that morpheus thing doesn't count, k?) i said something about regretting something so much that i wanted to turn back time iteself but then, i found myself watching a movie with my friends, that suprisingly, was perfectly appropriate . . . the butterfly effect strictly speaking, this is a described in light of the chaos theory (basically, not determinism) it states that the greatest storms of the earth may have come from something as simple as a butterfly flapping its wings in the movie, (well, you just have to watch it) this was viewed in light of timr travel, and changing the unchangeable, as it were smashing performance by ashton kutcher, by the way. as it turns out, turning back time would render many things affecting the future . . . and this poses to us 2 effects: one, one tends to blame many irrelevant things and events in the past to make up for their own shortcomings . . . needless to say, this is really bad and the second implication is that the when you try to change the past to your advantage, things are bound to go wrong . . . you can't have everything . . . greenhills galore went to greenhills with some friends . . . regcom work begins well, it did! more to follow . . . need sleep . . . badly . . . musing of aeyan on Monday, April 05, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
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y!m : chichiri_cd aim : chichiri cd msn : chichiri_cd@hotmail.com |