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hey~, i'm morpheus! |
 Morpheus ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla musing of aeyan on Monday, March 29, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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the taste of gray |
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hey, i just graduated a while ago! "and there was much rejoicing" *hoorah* and btw, 'tis p-chan's (name changed to protect person's well being) birthday today! (as if you don't know who p-chan is . . . o_O) anywho, this night has made me feel extra-bloggy i guess graduation jitters just jumpstarted my gall :P and so, on with blog-a-thon! (hey, that rhymed!) valedictory speech of the dead center the valedictory speech of the veledictorian (well that was redundant), kendra, was, quite frankly, inspiring and for one thing, it really appealed to me, how she put into words the thoughts that have run through my head for quite some time now . . . now, a valedictorian gets to have a speech presented to the batch, then again, a valedictorian is someone the batch can look up to . . . too bad you're in my blog, and you get to listen to the speech of the person probably in the dead center of the batch . . . just kidding =D anywho, kidding aside, one of the points kendra has pointed out is the reality of regret . . . now, many people live by the philosophy of "not living in regret" (memories of baguio trip flash by) anywho, there is a truth in that philosophy as well . . . yes, you only regret the things you don't do . . . but then again, what's to regret? sometimes it's good to regret . . . sometimes you'll regret not letting oportunities pass by . . . sometimes you'll regret something you do . . . the flaw in this reasoning is that people tend to overlook one thing . . . when taking risks, you always aim to succeed . . . and people trade the aim for the experience . . . not that there's anything wrong with cherishing the experience, i all for it . . . but taking the risk at the inopportune time is like shooting the arrow off target, as it were i fall witness to people who completely disregard all sense of direction for the sake of "just to get it over and done with"s or "so i don't have to wonder anymore"s but in the end, they end up regretting more that it's worth . . . they jump off the plane without the parachutes, as it were, so they won't have "no regrets" but then again, i've also witnessed the downfall of people who thought too much, too long to them is a life full of regret now it's not that moment that deserves all that focus . . . a well-timed action . . . well thought of, and well prepared for . . . no matter how spontaneous (don't get me wrong . . . and i know you know what i mean when i say this) is, by all means what we should aim for but the focus is what happens afterwards because only then can you test wether you will live in regret or not . . . because as far as i can see, there are at least two kinds of regret . . . one that grabs you, cripples you, chokes you. there's that regret that holds you in its clutches and takes away all signs of hope whatsoever . . . then there's regret that knocks you back to reality, opens your eyes, makes you reflect on the past, makes you a realize your mistake. there's the regret that makes you say, "now i know better" (thanks kendra) so now, the challenge is building up on your facts and reflections the right time will happen with or without your consent . . . and it may catch you off guard but when it comes you better have an idea what you'll do . . . only then can you say, "no regrets, eh?" ---------- [ this is blogged at about 7 pm on wsunday . . . after mtq ] ------------------ now what has all this have to do with anything, anyway? kendra said (probably the mass sentiment, though not all may have realized this), graduation is a time of transistion, a turn of the page, a door opening up to another world but it is also a time of regret . . . new opportunities open, and old ones close . . . and for me personally, there's that blue rose thing . . . that opportunity is closing before my eyes, and there is nothing more i can do . . . but, like i've said before . . . i don't feel regretful . . . at least i'm not crippled . . . now i feel empowered . . . i feel the drive to pursue more . . . thanks to my friends . . . now i feel like siezing the day . . . everyday . . . but i won't jump in just yet . . . i'll remain here . . . if i can remain steadfast . . . like barnicle to a whale, as it were (thanks, p-chan) i guess i'll learn more . . . (Y_Y) now, i'm not sure whether any of you are wondering about the theme of today's rant-o-rama, or what it has anything to do with grad . . . actually, i find it a little blurry myself as well, until a while ago . . . after teaching the mtq kids a while ago, i found myself commuting home, as always . . . just then, when i passed by the ateneo, as always, i noticed how empty it was . . . everyone's home . . . where they're supposed to be . . . and i feel happy for them, in a way . . . but deep down, i can't help but be depressed, in a way . . . i miss everyone, just a day after graduation . . . i feel bad everytime i think that today is the first official day that our crossroads part again . . . how i wish they'd all come home . . . but home is where they are right now . . . and not with me . . . . . . and for a while i was overcome by these feelings of depression that i was willing to give anything, ANYTHING, to come back to three days ago . . . and how i wished i took that chance, and gave them a hug . . . yes, a hug it was something i've always wanted to do . . . hug someone special to me . . . to hug them like there was no tommorow . . . now i know the taste of gray feelings . . . . . . it's bittersweet . . . regrets? no . . . . . . i will never say goodbye . . . not now . . . musing of aeyan on Sunday, March 28, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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yebah! |
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today, the 24th of march, 2004, marks the focal point, the point of no-return, the climax of the college life of many batchmates . . . the blue roast it is the great all-senior party to celebrate the batch's achievement: graduation! there are lots of things to do: the air bungee thingamawang, the free food, the free booze, henna parlors, free food, free booze, the free show, oh, and did i mention the free food and booze? but kiding aside, the main thing that caught my attention was the "blue rose" it is this tradition that every senior going to the blue roast will recieve a blue rose and we ought to give it to the one we've been crushing on for the longest time, but never really got to tell . . . and that just what i planned on doing . . . well, it really got me worked up . . . i was constantly debating with myself and with close friends wether i should go with it and i was torn up . . . yup, torn up quite deep about the whole issue . . . at the back of my head, i was running several senarios on how to approach her . . . i felt like i had the self confidence thing in check, but nothing could prepare mo for what was about to happen . . . i went on the air bungee thing with some of my friends . . . seeing as she was running late -- a tad too late . . . i figured it might relax me, and get some blood rushing to my head . . . but like the old saying goes, be careful what you wished for . . . just before i was about to get in the ride, i was told that she just arrived . . . while doing the jumping thing, blood rushed into my head a tad too fast . . . i was quite fine, but i was a really good approximation of an intoxicated person -- not the state i'd like to be in at that perticular point in time . . . so after i collected enough of my senses to stand like a proper homo sapien, i started walking aroud the field, in search of them . . . (aside: thanks to you and you for helping me walk straighter than how i would walk, or fall, whichever the case may be, alone) as fate would put it, i was out of luck a while back, (to hit two birds with one stone) i sent her a text message asking her whether she would want a formal picture of me, or the creative pose . . . but she cant reply, she seems to have no credits left by then i was really just aiming to see her . . . never mind the blue rose, screw that plan but when i saw her (they waere about to leave . . . took too long to find them, they were roaming the grounds as well) they were about to leave for home . . . but on the bright side, she said to me "uy, pareho" (hey, [i'll take] both) then every organ in my body started to race . . . "darn, i should'nt have scrapped the plan!", i thought . . . now i wonder . . . . . . . . . now what? musing of aeyan on Thursday, March 25, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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oopsies! |
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it has been quite a while since i last posted anything, ne? funny thing is, all this time, i have been burning my eyebrows trying to come up with a 1337 layout, and guess what? the darn thing won't even work! i get something about "permission denied" (o_O) wow anywho, on with the rantage! blog-o-rama now that i'm done and over with everything that spelled the living hell that spelled the past four years of my poor excuse for an existence, (whew) i now find myself reading about other people's lives, or to put it in a more proper way, i have been reflecting on other peoples' points of view about anything and everything (i'd place links to them all. but this stupid thing wont allow me . . . gah!) it's amazing how many new things a few simple words with the proper reflections can shed light on things that you wouldn't even think others took time to reflect on . . . this is the exact reason why i continue to publish my life online . . . my romantic streak just propels me to hope that someday, somewhere, someone will find strength/wisdom/or just plain read my blog and say ,"danm, i thought i was the only one who realized this . . . " well, anywho, when (or if) my new layout ever makes it way to cyberspace, try checking them out . . . they're really, like, deep . . . pomp and circumstance yey~! i'm gonna march this march! and you know what feels real good? the fact that we're all graduating! nobody has to get left behind . . . not anymore . . . but still, i still can't help but feel . . . sad . . . in about 3 weeks, i'll be going to school again, undergoing the usual routine to wake up in the morning again, fresh for a new day, despite the gross lack of sleep taking refuge in the daily dosage of caffeine, as always going about morning patrols, ho hum, same-old-same-old nothing new . . . or is it? walking alone to school, as always, but something feels different you start to think . . . . . . . . . what is it? . . . . . . you remembered to take your homework, that's over and done with. you feel your pockets to check wallet . . . check celphone . . . check ballpen . . . check id . . . check . . . wait a minute . . . you feel something different down the side of your bag . . . hmm . . . you falter for it, looking like an idiot on the side of the road, reaching in the deep recesses of the symbol of the plain routine of your life you grab it a pin hmm . . . you feel the cold metal, running your fingers across the plastic covering carefully you read the ink printed on the bond paper "made for reg" . . . then it strikes you, like how a fish last realizes it's swimming in water what's different since last time has been staring at you the entire time . . . you're walking alone water wells in your eyes, they're gone you feel . . . what? regretful? no. you know you've made the most of your time with them hurt? no. what have you to be hurt about? unsatisfied? no. well maybe . . . sad? . . . definitely. you know you're surrounded by friends who care about you as much as them . . . you know you'll meet them again somewhere along the road but why all this? a fleeting moment of silence that seems tio last an eternity a void somewhwere that seems to get larger, and larger, until it seems to consume you alive . . . a sudden urge to scream, a longing for . . . something . . . but at the same time, a rush of memories flash back behind the pupils of your eyes you look, and see, and remember . . . and you realized you're home . . . *beep*beep*beep* you snap back to reality, reach frantically to your cellphone. a message . . . . . . opening message . . . hmm wrong send . . . hey, i'm gonna be late! racing to the door, everything seems to catch up you return to the routine that is your life, ho-hum . . . but still, that felt . . . . . . nice shenanigans but of course~! after eveything is over and done with, all i've been up to is nothing less than pure nonesense heheh but not in a bad way hey, in fact, it was really really great! almost every darn day of my life i was doing something *not* studying. wow almost every darn day lately, i have been inviting people to watch movies with me like there's no tommorow . . . the two most memorable ones are : 1. something's gotta give - this happened sometime after the exam week . . . i invited an old english classmate of mine to watch a movie together . . . of course, everyone keeps on getting a wrong impression that it was a date . . . well, they're not entirely wrong (heheh) but, of course was just about hanging out. she's a nice girl, with the beauty to boot, but, i don't know . . . it's like i'm testing my mettle and wrestling with my emotions (and i found that quite unfair) so i decided that it i should stop acting like an idiot and act like i actually would (over analysis kills) 2. 50 first dates - a really good halfway-feelgood movie . . . what i liked about it is taht the feelgood factor didn't reach hideous levels. it actually gave a real good approximation of reality . . . at least from my point of view. i was joined by the lot of the regcom peeps in this one, and i was glad i got the chance . . . but somehow . . . i'm afraid of the force shift within me . . . never mind i also engaged in a really spontaneous overnight tripping at a classmate's house. we spent the night doing absolutely nothing . . . and i think it isn't a waste, even though it sure sounds like it . . . it was fun doing absolutely nothing with friends . . . we just kept getting ourselves (and each other) into loads of trouble the entire night, and that was fine and great, i'm gonna miss this . . . i also went on a week long trip to baguio~! and it rocked to high heavens~! the highlight of the trip is, for me, the bull sessions . . . since there was an oath of silence, i can't divulge anything that has been said about the others. so, for the sake of narration, i 'll just talk about my side of the everything (yes, i intended that) the main points that were raised were : 1. i friggin lacked self confidence (true) and 2. i should get my emotions straight and lay down my cards if i ever want to get *her* as a partner . . . for the first point: that's so true . . . i really lack self confidence, and i need to assert myself more . . . but i think they went a little overboard with talleing me to fight my way in the world and not let myself change to please everybody . . . well, as much as that's o close to the truth, after reflcting on it for a while, i realize that, true, i change a lot, and i lack follow through . . . but i have more than taht . . . i find that i stil,l remain myself, and i really don't change anything about myself, but i really find time for others, especially if they need me . . . the real problem with me is that i don't assert myself and sometimes it affects the quality of my work, which i should probably change . . . as for the second point . . . i think i won't just yet . . . i realize that if i just let i out, i will most likely regret it more . . . i don't know . . . as much as i really, really like her . . . i really feel that i should . . . i don't know . . . i'm confused . . . . . . i have to figure this out soon . . . like later soon . . . *sigh* *takes a break* †bil a friend of mine has just undergone the grand-daddy of all retreats: Days with the Lord~! i would like to welcome her tot he fourth day, and i really wish all the best for her . . . she's a great person, and i know she'll do really well in life . . . here's to good times ahead of us . . . *cheers* musing of aeyan on Wednesday, March 24, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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do you smell~ what the rock is cookin'?! |
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new layout?! blasphemy! uber neat though musing of aeyan on Sunday, March 21, 2004 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
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