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a happy christmas to all~! |
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ph33l t3h l0v3~! w(^o^)w musing of aeyan on Thursday, December 25, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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musing of aeyan on Wednesday, December 17, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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closer to organization than the previous ones |
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it has been quite a while since my last log and quite a lot has happened . . . and right now, i have no idea where to start so, after an (apparently) extended leave for reflection, i present you with my surprisingly action-packed life oganized into bite-sized, candy-sprinkled, and jelly-filled nutshells to batangas and beyond i had the pleasure of going on another batangas trip with ronin gumi . . . well most of us at least . . . unfortunately onishin wasn't able to join us 'twas 2 days of riding on sheer luck, seeing as it was probably the unplanned, unorganized, and unfunded we went though all sorts of adventures, starting from the virtual slalom through the busy throughways of manila, avoiding cops -- the car we were riding was supposed to be banned by the number coding system, then, there was the issue about food -- we didn't bring any and not to forget the fact that we were on short monetary supply to support all our boating plans and everything we got lost -- a lot. stupid map. it led us from manila to batangas (in about twice the time that shoud have taken us), but more than that, it took us from batangas to bicol. i repeat, BICOL! gyah~! (in case you wanna know, that's teh exact opposite of where we're supposed to go) responsibilities abound after the trip, i had to learn a valuable lesson the hard way don't get me wrong. the batangas trip was a blast and i can say that it was what we (i know for a fact that somebody else needed it more than me) needed it however, i was merely escaping the realities of the world. as much as janperson had a point in saying that i need to see my problems from a whole new vantage point however, sometimes, the proper vantage point is just staying where you are, especially if other people are depending on you to be there i had to survive this entire reg period under very strict eyes, seeing as i put the welfare, and the only perk we have, in jeopardy don't get me wrong. i apreciate things happening this way . . . turns out, 'twas a lesson long over due . . . though it was quite a challenge trying to discern from which liability i should not be . . . a lialibility to my work, or a liability to my friends five years and beyond this is the paper i wrote on a good experience i had: heheh A while ago, I attended a seminar about Ignatian discernment. To be frank, it was on the boring side. After all, being in the Ateneo for eight years and running, I�ve had to attend a LOT of these kinds of talks. However, there was something about the timing, or the whole setting of it all that roused some very interesting thoughts in me (not to mention the guide questions really helped =P). First thing that came to my mind was that I am not worried about what the near future has to offer - by that I mean next year. In fact, it never comes across my mind, seeing as I�m going to spend the next year still in school, continuing my undergraduate studies. However, it also came to me that now, more than ever, I need to get at least a rough direction on where I want to go in the next few years or so after graduation. Considering our family is redirecting all available resources to lighten my parents� workload (they�re quite old and overworked to be supporting our family of 5), I need to help in whatever way I can - soon. So in realize that without thinking about it, I am planning to get a job, any paying (preferably high paying) job in the corporate world. This choice would be most feasible, following my sister�s footsteps and hopefully liking whatever job I can get. After a while, once my responsibilities to my family have been fulfilled, I will search for the job I want, preferably somewhere with (1) teaching, (2) computers/games, (3) animation, or (4) volunteer work - or any combination of these. However, as far as what god has planned for me, I am at a loss. If I consider what I�m good at and what I�m not, I�d have to say my direction is the same as most people I know - into the corporate world. The only difference would be I�m slowly converging towards the technological side of it, rather than the people-oriented people. However, if I consider my interests, I suddenly diverge into many topics. I like computers, but I don�t like the thought of corporate competition. I like my workplace to at least exude a sense of camaraderie, because I�m an inspiration/friendship junkie. I believe I can do wonders as long as I have my friends to back me up. Necessity, however, is leading me to the very thing I fear most: corporatism. I really fear the cubicle, however, it�s the only option that will allow me to solve my current problems and the current problems of the people I care about. If I had it my way, money won�t be an issue, but sadly it is. What makes me really glad, however, though this talk hasn�t been able to give me the answer, it was able to show me a concrete way of analyzing my problems and lead me to a greater understanding of what I must take into consideration in making my decision. In fact, now that I think about it, I have been using such a trail of thought in my reflections of myself; I just haven�t systematically arranged it yet. Rereading what I�ve said above, I have actually undertaken the Ignatian process of discernment, without even thinking about it. However, I am still battling out thoughts that somehow, I still don�t know the answer; that I still need more time. In the end, I must tread the road I fear, but that would be a small sacrifice for the betterment of the family. Being only the second person in our lineage to actually step into a non-vocational college, I feel I have the duty to help my family secure a more comfortable lifestyle. Searching for a job that is driven by service (a job that I feel I am called upon: as a teacher) is not a convenience I have the pleasure of having - at least not yet. Until I can say that the family can support itself with enough security, I must find a job that not only pays the bills but also elevates our lifestyle. Another issue I feel I have to address is my desire to have a family of my own. I see myself with my wife and kids, and I envision that I want my kids to grow up with a sense of responsibility. I want my children to grow up and see that their father, though highly capable is working at a job that he likes, and that their father is really working for them. I want my children to grow up with a humble heart, that they understand that there is more to life than what the world seems to offer. I want them to have the leisure that I don�t have - the time and space to see what they really want in life, without the pressures of what misfortune tomorrow will bring. Come to think about it, that is exactly what my parents gave to me; I am thankful for that. I just want my children to have more than what I have. Then, there�s the issue of the state of the Philippines. As much as I want to have hope for the nation, sadly, I don�t see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, that doesn�t mean I am willing to abandon ship. In fact, I am more fueled to strive for the development of the Philippine technology and arts. Besides, now, more than ever, the Philippines need the people to set aside their differences, learn from the past, destroy long-standing traditions of corruption, and pave the way to a new, better, state. This will not be possible without the help of the Filipinos themselves, and I for one am willing to stand ground for the betterment of the state. And someday, I hope to inspire other people, especially my children, to help. So where am I now? I still remain blurred on what path I will tread, but at least, I have found a certain sense of direction: that in the very least, I will find a way to help my country and myself by meeting halfway with what I have and what the world, including myself and my family, needs. These may have sounded cheesy, in fact I may probably agree, but that doesn�t make them any less real - I guess that�s the biggest realization that I�ve encountered from this experience. hanyan . . . ? this sem isn't really going on too hot for my emotional welfare. everyday the world keeps on throwing me reasons to stop my illusions and realize that. in the end, all i am going to end up is hurt. in fact, a while ago, my own theology teacher gave me a little talk about that . . . he said i had good taste (i have to agree =P), however, i should realize that i should prepare myself for the worst. and, coming from a person i actually look up to, that's quite a big thing. . . . and now, again, i am at a loss . . . youth on fire for the christian community requirement for my theology class, i chose to attend the group dynamics of a born-again group, youth on fire. why i chose that, i have no idea, i was just invited to that, and i was curious. turns out that was a good idea . . . for quite some time now, my faith has been very, very stagnant and it has been a very long time since something really struck my interest and pushed me to reflect on where i actually stand with respect to my faith now, i'm not saying i'm really into this born again thing . . . but they're not half-bad in fact, i agree with what they're saying in their lectures it's the prayers that sorta scare me . . . as much as it makes sense to say that we should pray with all the passion that we have, and we should. i find my own faith requires my reclusive silence in the midst of a crowd. i mean that a community is what i need to keep me . . . well . . . company but to show my passion, i find that i have a more action-oriented blood in me another thing that sorta uneases me is how they refer to their past life as "unsaved" i mean when they narrate about their life before they were born again, they use the term "i wasn't saved yet" or something to that effect . . . no offense, of course, that's just my opinion . . . save sex however, like i said, their points of view during discussions are amazing this was the title of the first of those discussions i heard and it had very interesting points . . . but, before anything else, i assume the title needs no explanation it just means to save sex til after marriage and i think that it's true . . . they have made very good points on what love is, (to walk side by side another, and expanding your horizons) however, some weak points are made like the way they keep on saying that once you give in, the challenge is over . . . from my point of view, it makes it seem more like a game . . . though, in today's sex sex sex culture, i think it was what was called for . . . they also made some very good point on the 3 steps to say no sex. 1. say NO! be firm. make them know you are serious 2. ask, "if you love me, why are you doing this to me?" 3. say "i'm worth the wait" to these three, i agree the heavenly man the second talk i heard from themwas about how to keep a strong faith on the lord . . . but i choose to update you on that some other time . . . i have to start programming . . . darn . . . anywho . . . musing of aeyan on Wednesday, December 17, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
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