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more trees and fruits |
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'tis my father's birthday today~! i'd like to greet him a very happy birthday ('tis his 49th birthday) heheh anywho, she's right . . . there seems to be an epidemic running amok . . . i for one am a victim of such, and am still suffering . . . the sem is over~! but the vacation won't seem to start . . . for the next week, am gonna work on my thesis, and the week after that, regcom! (yay~!) heheh . . . two weeks of pure . . . err . . . (^_^) oh no . . . nostalgia kicking in . . . nooo~! like an email of a past senior said: "Grabe, last sem nyo na. Miss ko na college sobra. Basta make the most out of what's left of your college life. Sobrang bilis na nyan. Good luck din sa reg." heheh . . . k . . . smoke's getting in my eyes (Y_Y) heheh musing of aeyan on Sunday, October 19, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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the tree and the fruit |
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i'm not sure how long this entry will be . . . i'm still in school right now, and i don't think i have much time well, i suddenly had the urge to make an entry because i don't want to lose this feeling just yet . . . just a while ago, me and my blockmates were having various heart-to-heart talks about . . . well, quite frankly a sensitive topic: the family how everything happened, i'm not quite sure, but when i entered the room, i was instantly met with a hard question: do i hate my family? well, of course, i instantly answered, "no" but quite frankly, that was a reflex action . . . at least until now you know when people say you don't know what you have until its gone? well, clich�s are clich�s for a reason . . . and right now, i really understand that, harsh as it may sound, sometimes you have to learn from other people's losses, and hope it never comes to you . . . i know you proabably have heard this, or even know this from way back when, and i may be the only one late in realizing this . . . but one's own mistakes are never enough for one to learn life's harsh, and sometimes (mostly) unfair lessons it all started, as far as i remember, with a blockmate of mine, who says (acts) bitter toward his family, i don't know the reason, and i doubt i'll ever know, but in the end, it wound up in a "bull session," tackling family issues of various people. well, at least the ones there . . . anywho, one of the things i've learned is that i'm very very lucky to be living the life i am now . . . and i do love my family . . . it's just that we express it in a different manner . . . and i wouldn't have it any other way . . . (now i just got home) and light has also been shed towards my plans for my family . . . i guess there is a point that i am asking too much for myself when i want to show my offspring that hteir father is living a simple lifestyle . . . however, this is also the only thing i know . . . i have never experienced life without responsibility . . . and as much as i want to escape it sometimes, i find that it is the only thing that keeps my feet firmly on the ground . . . and i believe that it's an important lesson that cannot be told children . . . i believe they have to figure it out for themselves . . . another thing that struck me about today is about how people can carry masks so well . . . and how there could be people who are held down with problems, without showing it . . . and how much i can't help, though i want to . . . i guess this is the thing: a classmate of mine, and a very good friend (ok i won't sugarcoat, i used to have the biggest crush on her) who, i just realized, i knew practically nothing about . . . at least to that level . . . she broke down because, of everyone in the room, i thought i was the next one most detached to family . . . but then, i realized that she has it tough . . . i am amazed at how well she handles it considering . . . but a while ago, and i know this has to be . . . when she was crying . . . how i wanted to put my arms arouned her, and assure her that everything will be ok, and that she is loved for who she is . . . and that we are happy enough that she exists, and is with us . . . but, i couldn't . . . i find that, though i am over her . . . i still can't find it in me to touch her . . . and that i can't comfort her the way her knight can . . . . . . i am at a loss for words right now . . . will try to continue some other time . . . musing of aeyan on Saturday, October 18, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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akumu: the ramblings of one who is not one . . . |
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actually, what follows is something i didn't write in front of the monitor, as i usually do . . . but rather, i made this at school, in my notebook . . . as much as i don't think as well in front of paper than i do in front of a monitor, here is what came out anyway . . . --------------[ start rant ]------------------- of dandelions and pollution today is the official end of (the first week of) my hiatus to end this illusion. at the risk of sounding melodramatic, there are some things in life, specifically this one, which are, apparently, beyond by capabilities. i guess in the end, culture still remains a touch wall to scale. but worse than that, what really scares me the most is not the loss i am boing to feel, but more of the pain or whatever i am going to inflict. for a person like me, taking on something this big (am such a loser) will only result in something much worse . . . i try to pace myself in the shoes of one in her position ('tis one of the things i am proud i can do) and, quite frankly, i realized that such a stiuation is beyond my imagination. i guess there are such people who you can't picture yourself sharing the rest of your life with, either because they seem to best as a friend, or, they just aren't . . . in any case, i find that in a way, i am swallowing my own medicine, because, in the end, what i have thought of doing is insensitive . . . or controversial, in the least, ant it will start people talking, and people talk for a reason (well, most of the time) so now, teh end is near. i am faced with a terrible choice, a choice i had hoped i'd never have to make. a friend once told me, "finite risk is worth infinite gain" but i realize now that the risks aren't finite, infinite gain isn't guaranteed. (not that i look at it in terms of gain, but for lack of a better analogy, i would have to apologize) i couldn't care less if i was rejected, hell, this won't be the first time (LOSER~) but i realized that, to her point of view, it would be a friendship betrayed. in fact, it would be the ultimate betrayal . . . in the end it would seem that everything i didi was to achieve an ultimate goal of having her. . . . ok, i just realized that i didn't give her enough credit. i know that she knows that i value the freindship so much, and she probably knows, to some extent, my emotions. but then i realize that the pain i endure (am enduring?) now is nothing compared to the agony that will haunt me, knowing that i've placed her in a situation of incredible proportions. i know that placing the thought of my own happoness at the risk of her emotions is probably the most insensitive and well, quite frankly worst thing i could ever do to anyone . . . so, i guess i'd rather face this like a grown-up and accept the fact that life ain't like the movies . . . funny thing though, people are noticing that i've been less cheerful lately . . . well, i try to put up my usual facade . . . (not that i like to lie to them, but i don't wanna be a liability) but there are times when i am caught off guard . . . in fact, this afternoon, i unwittingly kicked a friend out of the room . . . i didn't mean it, honestly, but i didn't quite know what went over me . . . gosh, i really want to apologize . . . now i just feel like everything i've ever been, everything i ever pictured myself to be . . . everything, is wrong. and now, caught at a complete loss, the hiatus continues . . . --------------[ end rant ]------------------- . . . musing of aeyan on Friday, October 03, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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meg and the muses |
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the past few days have been the most tiring and trying days of my life so far . . . everything i've ever had my entire life is shattering in front of my very eyes . . . my family . . . my friends . . . my academics . . . my heart . . . actually, my family's getting along fine, and i'm not complaining . . . however, there are times that i wish that things are different than how they are now . . . i'm only asking for small changes though . . . for most part, i won't change a thing . . . but i'd rather things change before they start happen happening . . . take my father for example . . . i say a lot of harsh things about him to other people but i know it's just my way of calming down . . . i really love him so much, that i hate the sight of him . . . you probably don't understand this, and maybe i'm just crazy to think that way . . . though not the finest man alive, i know i'd rather have him as my father than anybody else . . . but darn it, old man, i'm already 19 years old~! about my friends, i really miss my coursemates a lot . . . however, they undertand my reasons, i hope . . . i just ain't strong enough to face my friends anymore . . . i'm sorry . . . my academics? it stunk to the high heavens . . . this hell week, i wasn't able to do anything fruitful, as much as i try to push myself over the limit i found out how little tolerance i have to pain . . . i couldn't concentrate . . . between having the tension-filled uaap games and trying to force myself to "so what i have to do" i feel like jello in an oven . . . as for my self, i feel more aware of my own weaknesses now . . . i really want to forget about her and save us all the pain of having to go through the routine i always seem to have to go through . . . but then, i feel like i'm tearing myself apart . . . i feel so helpless . . . and the worst part . . for the longest time, i held back tears, and i forced it upon myself not to shed any tears i constantly remind myself how that nothing can be so problematic that tears are to be called for . . . plus i would only burden others with my problems, knowing that they have their own problems to attend to . . . however, now, i want to cry . . . but tears just failed me . . . i tried all means just to release this knot tightening within . . . but i can't . . . not anymore . . . and it hurts more and more everyday . . . how i feel tremendous happiness about a singular person, but how i can't help but feel like i'm only fooling myself with an illusion that i acutally have a chance . . . i am only one, but i am not one . . . musing of aeyan on Wednesday, October 01, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
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ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
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