 |
fastfoods, french fries, and old songs |
|
the past few days have been the epitome of the universe that murphy would'nt have imagined in his greates nightmares . . . even after he formulated his infamous law . . . but on the bright side (well, not so . . . i can't believe i'm still thinking there is one) it has posed upon me a plethora of questions that would render me sleepless and helpless these coming nights . . . everything starts off with a forthcoming routine hell week but it was just a prelude to something much, much worse . . . as a collorary to murphy's law states: "if at any time, murphy's law doesn't apply, it is working on something big" i was caught off guard, thinking everything was going great . . . i didn't mind that my father wasn't home . . . and i had major chances to see her throughout the week . . . everything was going perfectly . . . until friday came . . . i was feeling sooo~ harrassed that schoolwork was piling up . . . just as i thought i was getting my grades back, both me and my partner had something else to do so we couldn't submit our ce report admittedly, i was procastinating myself . . . i just feel like i'm falling under the pressure . . . next, came the bigg blow off . . . i became depressed suddenly after being atrociously high last friday . . . i saw her in a long, continous block, and that's enough to make my day . . . and so i was happy, but then, yet again, i remember that i am nothing . . . what can i do? i am doomed to fail in this . . . and between two friends, one is saying that i shouldn't follow in his footsteps, and another saying we are in the same, doomed, situation (rough times ahead) i just felt like crap . . . ok happy feeling's gone . . . will post again sometime . . . will cool off for a moment . . . musing of aeyan on Sunday, September 28, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
complicated as the wind?! |
|
gyaah~! i'm seeing an excell imprinted to the beck of my eyelids~! . . . ok, i'm haven't lost it, yet . . . it's just that i asked for a year's worth of data for the wind speed in ateneo you know, for my thesis. i needed the average monthly wind speed for the past year to design my wind turbine . . . but as it turns out, i got more than what i bargained for . . . i was expecting a concise set of readings . . . but no~! i got a 633-page excell file~! i mean it showed readings taken up to 73 times a day~! i don't mean to complain, i know it's my job, but for crying out loud~! i've been working on it for 3 days now, and i only saw the halfway point a couple of minutes ago~! and how about that? philippine ragnarok onlineis letting everyone play for free~! plus there's a triple drop rate, and a triple experience gain . . . only problem is, i can't get in~! there're 15000+ people playing at one time, that i can't move but a few steps at a time~! well, what would you expect from a generic 56-k modem? anywho, it's done me more harm than good anyway . . . hmm . . . right now, i am facing another issue . . . well, not exactly. i may, yet again, be butting in things which aren't my business to meddle with in the first place but it's less of a problem, unless they let it escalate. but i beleive they'll sort this out . . oh, but how i want to reassure her that everything's alright~! . . . i'm really at a loss for words . . . i can't stand to see her suffer like this but i know she must go through this . . . it's all a matter of checks and balances, as a friend said . . . but i know that they're all mature people . . . . . . and on the bright side, i know we'll all be able to learn from this . . . i know i already am . . . i learned how naive i am of human realities . . . i find that my weakness, at some point or another, is that i am too idealistic . . . it is imperative that i explore more the human side of things . . . . . . live and learn, live and learn. hahaha - rafiki musing of aeyan on Sunday, September 21, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
wolverine |
|
first things first . . . i would like to apologize for my rude behavior in my last post . . . for most part i was driven by mad depression and i have said things which are subjective and uncalled for . . . it is amazing how i could call someone spoiled, while act ingvery much like a spoiled person myself . . . for that, i extend my deepest apologies . . . and i lay my head down in shame . . . i promise to be a little more tactful about my words . . . now, on to my rant: life is still pretty much depressing so far . . . i surfed the net this afternoon, and i read my last post, i said to myself, "wow, i said that?!" i ain't the type of person who will say anything bad about a person without confirming it . . . but i was lashing out like a raved lunatic last time . . . this led me to think about a scary thought: is my newfound bond with my inner feelings doing me more harm than good? i find that since i was able to focus more on my own life and face my own emotions, which i know i couldn't handle before, i have become more sensitive to my own needs and to my mental framework . . . and i became more relaxed around other peoiple . . . however, i also find that i have become more scared of being alone . . . true, i find bliss in reflecting upon life and all that . . . and those thoughts come to me best when i am alone . . . but now, i am constantly seeking the company of others . . . is it because i am afraid of my own thoughts? or maybe because i have grown less complacent of my own being . . . maybe, in fact, this is just a bad case of the senior's syndrome (the romantic type) and maybe it's just a little bit of them all . . . at any rate, i find that i still remain a mystery, even to myself . . . i have run away from everything just a little too much . . . musing of aeyan on Monday, September 15, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
water images |
|
this is a rather sad moment in my life though it isn't clear why . . . you know those days when you suddenly just feel . . . alone? well, actually, it's not that per se . . . it's a problem of a more complicated scale . . . last friday, i went to a gig (well, sorta) at school, it was arranged by the home org of a girl i used to like . . . (well, actually, it's not that i hate her or anything . . . but there's that effect i have with girls that really annoys me . . . the repelling effect . . .) anywho, it was obviously as awkward as a three-legged horse . . . (on the bright side, it doesn't seem like she told anyone about what happened . . . it kinda makes my conscience bother me, because i ranted my heart out when that happened . . . i'm really,really sorry) and i really want to apologize to her . . . but i don't know how . . . hmm . . . i guess some background (and painful) flashback is in order . . . there was this girl, a friend of mine from regcom . . . she became a classmate of mine in a programming class . . . well, she was a great friend~! she was very, very pretty, she liked playing counterstrike (i know i usually place a link whenever i mention any trade marks, so i apologize this one has none . . . ), she was very friendly and accomodating, i mean, damn~! (at this point i really feel the pain . . . i lost all that because of my goddam stupidity) anywho, i was beginning to like her . . . being the idiot that i am, everbody noticed and being the bigger idiot that i am, i let the public will drive me . . . that was very stupid, but i was yet to find out how much . . . well, at first everyone was making fun of us, and, being the nice girl that she is, 'tis ok with her . . . in fact, she ends up defending me, instead of the opposite . . . then, i'm not sure what happened, everytime we meet, she starts getting more and more irritated . . . i feel like i have bad breath or something . . . (well, she dropped hints of that type) i tried to make it up to her . . . but sometimes, she just gets more irritated . . . around this time, valentine's bloody day struck, and a friend of mine, who liked a friend of hers made a move . . . well, the guy had face value and a hard sense of reality, so, he, of course was successful . . . (actually the girl i liked found him cute . . . i even believe that the thing went around an 8 shape . . . although it doesn't actually complete it, since i was part of it . . .) so, i was faced with a tough test . . . a test i failed so badly . . . whether i should make a move or not . . . of course, being the moron that i am, i became excited on the idea . . . bad move. now, she hates my guts . . . my apologies, no matter how many times i try, no matter how much i mean it, only seem like my desperate attempts to impress her . . . (well, it was half right; i was desperate) now, my conscience is killing me . . . i know i did wrong, so sue me, but the most painful part is that the best thing i can do now is remain silent . . . it will be for the better . . . ok, enough with that dog gone flashback . . . my point, i regret doing what i did, and i want to apologize like hell . . . anywho, another concern jumps to my mind: what if this happens again? should i even bother? if anything, i don't want this to happen again . . . ever a friend once said, "infinate gain is worth a finite risk" but how can i tell which is which? with the things that happened recently with my friends, how can i say whether or not the same fate awaits me? with my character? aside: now i feel even more depressed because i remember what happened. btw, she hates my guts because i said my mind . . . which poses the question: who are your friends? the people who agree with your opinion (or the people who will claim they do)? my point: friends will see your point, but they will tell you if they find your actions foolish whether you accept it or not, they will understand. but to claim that they are no longer your frineds because they give you their opinion they asked from you in the first place, that is just plain spoiled then i recall the words: risk is not lashing blindly, without considering the other's feelings (paraphrased, i forgot the actual line) an i realize how much i fall short . . . maybe she deserves someone beter than me . . . i have nothing to offer her . . . i am afraid of falling again . . . of getting smitten like this . . . i am afraid to lose her . . . though i know that to know that, i have to try . . . i am confused as hell . . . since i seem to have made my rant long enough . . . (apparently in a ranty mood today, and i still have more, but i feel to miserable to continue) maybe i'm just too affected by my studies right now, and the fact that i see her less and less . . . i miss her like hell . . . . . . (--_--) dahil mabigat ang acads, bawal magsabog musing of aeyan on Sunday, September 14, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
sigh of relief |
|
acad hell (half) week is over~! although i should feel relieved, i feel more . . . depressed 'tis during times like this that i wonder, would things have been better if . . . - i studied harder - i didn't fail ma22 - i shifted while i was ahead - i took cs instead - i took psychology instead but then again, i remember, if things didn't happen like it did, there would be a lot of things i'd be missing (you know what i mean . . . ^^;;) har har har . . . kinda tired right now, and not in a ranty mood so i just blogged to say, "hey, i'm alive~!" nagpaparamdam lang (^_^) musing of aeyan on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
 |
recently: |  |
ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
||
| |
profile | |
|
||
| |
archive | |
| |
contact | |
y!m : chichiri_cd aim : chichiri cd msn : chichiri_cd@hotmail.com |