 |
no cure for . . . |
|
first of all, i would like to correct myself on my last entry . . . almost immediately after i published that thing, i found myself talikg to her again on Y!M but, being the idiot that i am, i achieved nothing but to make her mad man, if you saw me out there, i was making a MESS~! i was relentlessly teasing her about everything and everything and now i am paying the price . . . she didn't want to make it show, but she was fuming mad . . . and now i spent the entire day apologizing, and thinking of a way to make it up to her and so starts the downwardy spiraly strory . . . today i realized something very, very sad or, in the very least, disturbing . . . it seems that i am falling more and more for her everyday and, as much as i want to *not* mess everything up this time, everything just seems to be aginst me right now there's the whole cultural barrier that i have to break, then, there's that thing about my oh-so-likeable personality (sarcasm intended, if you didn't quite get that) oh, and don't forget the fact that she's probably so~ not into me i mean look at me! i don't just turn heads, i turn heads away! all of these just don't go well with the fact that i just pissed her off like hell . . . to those who can't quite get a grip of what i'm saying, let me enlighten you with a story . . . i was about to go home, already very depressed then, out of my stupid whim, i just had to pass by the cafeteria, and lo~! the first thing i saw was a person in the stunning image of her . . . whaddya know, she's still at school~! there i was, with one of the more dramatic and symbolical choices of my life: should i stay, or should i go home . . . so i left, homeward bound, and as i was about to reach "the stairs" (approximately 5-7 minute walk) like an delusional idiot, i turned back and i was wandering around the area like a frigging stalker! i wanted to go to her and say something, but no~! i just had to be a stupid sissy doodoohead and stayed somewhere near this begs the question, "what am i supposed to do now?" i really wish that i could, by some freaking stroke of luck, meet her a few years form now, when we're all part the work force, and catch up on old times . . . and find out that everything's ok but of course, seeing how pathetic me and my poor excuse for a life is, chances are, i'm just gonna remain the foolish pathetic excuse for a human that i am . . . peachy. just peachy. musing of aeyan on Wednesday, July 30, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
gweee~! |
|
lately, things are starting to get right, but not exactly . . . -he- has officially given up i'm not sure if it's good or bad, but things seem to be going smoothly or at least that's what he's letting us on . . . -she- is talking to me again well, i'm not sure what to do at this point but i know i can listen . . . -i- am stressed & paranoid on the up side, i just successfully cleaned up my files and stuff on the down sides: schoolwork is starting to pile up writeups, i have to do a lot of 'em~! . . . and, i know that this is so shallow on my part: i haven't been talking to her lately . . . it seems that she's always busy when in Y!M, and when in the batroom, she doesn't laugh at my jokes anymore, . . . i might be oversentive, in fact, that's probably the situation but i feel sorta . . . sad . . . i don't want to lose her, like i did before . . . *sigh* musing of aeyan on Tuesday, July 29, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
the truly perfect scenery |
|
i guess i got too carried away with being disturbed i forgot to recognize the good things that happened lately classes today were suspended at around 2:30 in the afternoon which was good, considering that i was really not in the mood for class no, not because i felt sad, but more in the line of it was windy, with light showers i really like it when the weather is like that . . . actually i like rain. they give me a sense of anguish and bliss that i find easy to embrace and i feel more . . . invigorated to walk it gives me time to reflect in silence and see a whole nother point of view because, when it rains, and i'm alone, i feel like i'm not just me . . . i feel like i just am. and i like it on a less cheezy note: i started playing ragnarok online 'tis t3h l33t~! and my character is t3h cut3~! (^-^o) <- poring~! musing of aeyan on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
the perfect scenery |
|
i was very disturbed yesterday i wasn't sure how to approach her, since she seemed very displeased to see me i know i haven't been there for her, and i'm very sorry, i really am but i know that anything i could say at that time would only make things worse if they really wanted to make things better, i really believe that the two should talk though i am not counting that the two will return together -it is very unlikely considering the situation (though i ain't ruling out the possibility) but at least there won't be the awkward thing that both parties hate somehow, considering what they've said, i haven't seen them actually face the problem directly no, i see them run away from it, assumung the other won't listen anymore i just hope they understand each other . . . . . . though i want so much to apologize for not being there for either one of them, i have had my share of problems and quite frankly, i was almost at my breaking point and i find it sad that i took something as big as the death of a loved one to get me back on track . . . musing of aeyan on Tuesday, July 22, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
here goes nothing |
|
i knew this will come around one way or the other . . . i know i vowed to keep my problems, at least until tommorrow, but then, i realized that bro ouldn't have wanted that . . . today, a very disturbing thing happened . . . remember my friends whor had the problem? i sorta made the girl cry . . . it seems i may have given the impression that i was in favor of the guy . . . in fact, blood is thicker than water, but i can't believe that i am, in effect, asked to choose it sucks to know (in parts) the sides of the three parties, (yes, three. i know very little about the third, though) everyone pressures me to talk to them all, and try to fix things and, not that i don't want anything to do with the matter i just dont want to complicate it . . . this sucks . . . i guess it is true that all problems seem heavier when you encounter them for yourself for an idiot like who forgets his own problems to try to help others, helping only makes things worse, for me, if not for everyone else . . . i'm no longer certain if ishould even bother, but i know that my character won't allow me to take this sitting down . . . i just hope i gain enough prudence to know when and how to help, and when to back off . . . i guess only time will tell . . . i have lost more of my life and sanity this week than i did last semester . . . i have forgotten to live my own life, i guess i'll have to return to it sometime . . . might as well be now . . . musing of aeyan on Friday, July 18, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
|
|
other hues for this week, all of my, and other people's problems that course through my veins, shall be on hold we made our lives this complicated, we will deal with it. until saturday . . . i shall remain unsated, at least in respect to bro's memory . . . musing of aeyan on Thursday, July 17, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
|
|
darker shades if gray every once in a while, there are things that happen that remind you how much your problems in life amount to. the events that remind you that the times you felt like giving up, to end it all, mean absolutely nothing. today is one of them . . . a person dear to me has died he was an integral part of my life . . . one of the reasons i am who i am now he was special he was. he taught me that life was not a race, it is a journey and if you take the time to slow things down, you may just make time to enjoy the scenery he was living proof of that. he was an athlete, but he dedicated his life to what he believed in . . . without fail he would struggle, everyday, through his ms (multiple sclerosis) he founded the "days with the lord" and he touched lives . . . i haven't cried for a long time, but when i saw him . . . i couldn't help it . . . he seemed so peaceful, so content holding two things that were dear to him two crosses . . . one was an ordinary cross, one that they give you in a seminary the other had three letters engraved on them . . . B I L they were words that touched the lives of many . . . those words changed my life . . . surely someday, his death would be forgotten but his life will not. for the life i live is no longer my own . . . he has left his light for us, it is for me, if no other to carry it on . . . my life amounts to nothing compared to his, and his will amount to nothing if i give up if nothing elese, at least i will live according to what he has left behind . . . the three words that changed my life . . . basta ikaw lord . . . para sa'yo, bro, basta ikaw . . . ---------------------- in memory of brother james p. dunne a great man who did ordinary things extraordinarily may his soul rest in peace . . . musing of aeyan on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
|
|
sukiyaki you know when they say that sometimes you love someone so much it hurts? i guess it hurts when you feel forgotten, neglected by the one you love so much but what is love anyway? when you fall in love with a person, how far will you go to keep your relationship how far are you willing to change? i know that love makes people do crazy things, they make people change but is it so wrong to change for the person worth your life? is changing the way you are equivalent to living a lie? however, how do you know that the changes you're going through are still worth the relationship? when is enough? how can you say that you're living a lie? how are you supposed to act after a break-up? how far are you willing to wear the mask? how much good can talk do? how open should you be? must you stand still while the one you love is falling further and further away? is "to keep things simple" reason enough? will you risk looking like an idiot who can't let go? what will you do about complications? will you be hurt when the person you love is having fun? would you rather have the person be in anguish just so you won't feel alone? would you rather keep the reason why you left the person a secret? is it enough you figured it out for yourself that it's for the best? are you a bad person for leaving, when you really thought it was necessary? but is it also bad to tray to keep a relationship going, when the person is an unprecedented moment of your life? . . . it's all because of you, i'm feeling sad and blue you walked away, now my life is just an empty day . . . musing of aeyan on Thursday, July 10, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
|
|
welcome the new audience~! i'm surprised at this . . . how many people actually go to this site? i mean, this is garbage~! anywho, i think i liked it better when i didnt know who read my crap . . . but since i can't do anything about that now . . . [@_@] whatever . . . now on to my life . . . enjoy~! ----------------- two of my friends have split . . . however things seem to have gotten better . . . am proud of both of them for being so mature about this am very tired today, had a long test yesterday i feel it . . . flunkage~! wo hen lei yo(?) on other things. you know when they say things sound different when you hear yourself speak? well, i kinda realized the fact that i am in really lose-lose situation, but being the idiot that i am, i think i want to go on . . . at least i want to be the friend i promised i'll be . . . i wish this'll work . . . i know i have better chances of getting hit by lightning but i'm planning for something a little more long term . . . the main prob i see is that the things you want tend to be lost by the time you get around getting it . . . in other words, it'll be hard to miss my random number . . . hmm . . . i would like to take this time to greet my wonderful audience i hope this will help you somehow . . . [^_^] musing of aeyan on Friday, July 04, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
|
| |
|
|
a little more complicated . . . my life just keeps on getting complicated . . . people are getting a little too close. i really ain't a good liar . . . and i'm afraid to lose her . . . what the hell should i do? i seem to get on too creepy . . . now i just can't think straight . . . . . . oh, btw, the "idioot" and the "indiotic" thingy in my last log? i meant it. just wanna let you guys know, before you run around thinking i'm an idioot. from now on, unless otherwise specified, all typographical errors are deliberate btw, try the new link above: ^retort^ and say your mind . . . musing of aeyan on Thursday, July 03, 2003 [ | ] [freewall] †††
|
 |
recently: |  |
ceffeine lvl: omg, no caffeine! mood: apprehensive movie: 2046 lss: hari ng sablay food: none yet im: maanski email: no emails lately text: cathee call: reena |
||
| |
profile | |
|
||
| |
archive | |
| |
contact | |
y!m : chichiri_cd aim : chichiri cd msn : chichiri_cd@hotmail.com |